Closer to You (Más cerca de ti)

*Bold phrases are in Spanish. Translations can be found below.

I sit and write because I’m ambushed by grief,

yet deeply filled with love.

Holiday traditions remind me of the structure you built for us.

We try so hard to keep it going,

but it’s just not the same, Mom.

The doors rip off the hinges to grief,

and they never seem to close.

One gust of wind—one memory—

and I'm back where it all began and ended:

At Kaiser, watching you take your last breaths.

I brought you in on a Sunday,

and you died on Tuesday—

los dos días más largos de mi vida.

So you’re “gone,” and somehow, some way,

I’m expected to live.

Four years have passed,

yet grief never stops taking a seat at my empty table—

Like an unwelcomed guest,

and still, I keep that chair warm.

I set out the pan dulce and café de olla,

a trail of cempasúchil petals like breadcrumbs

for your spirit to find me in my dreamworld.

I arrange papel picado that dances in the winter wind,

and whisper your name into the flicker of veladoras.

We build altares with your favorite things—

the brightest colors, the sweetest smells,

and all the songs you loved—

Because tradition is a bridge,

and I tearfully cross it every year,

hoping to feel you on the other side.

In silence, I hear your laughter.

In the heavy weight of grief,

I feel the gravity of your love that never leaves me.

You see, grief is the shadow of your love,

stretching long before sunrise and long after sunset—

en todos los espacios entre el dolor y la esperanza.

And maybe keeping that chair warm

is my way of keeping you here, Momma—

Not in body,

but in the marrow of every memory,

where love refuses to die,

even when you did.

So I embrace living with this ache,

to honor you in every way possible:

Every song I sing,

every story I tell,

every class I teach,

every poem I write,

every joke I make,

every meal I prepare,

every dance I surrender to.

Because love like yours does not vanish—

it blooms in the spaces between sorrow and celebration,

and in that bloom,

I find my way forward.

Más cerca de ti.

TRANSLATIONS

los dos días más largos de mi vida - the two longest days of my life pan dulce - sweet bread

café de olla - traditional Mexican coffee sweetened with piloncillo and spice brewed in a clay pot

cempasúchil - marigold

papel picado - Mexican folk art where paper is perforated with intricate designs

veladoras - candles

altares - altars

en todos los espacios entre el dolor y la esperanza - in all the spaces between pain and hope