The Battleground for Infinite Love (August 2024)

If I had known you’d leave so soon, I would’ve stretched every moment

I would’ve made each minute defy time itself

We dreamt big, momma

Together spinning fantasies of endless horizons

But this harsh reality shattered every vision I held

Watching over you in your “golden” years

That would never come

I imagined exploring new places together, but now you’re gone

67 years didn’t feel long enough

But I’m blessed

I had you for 36

My gravest blunder was believing time was boundless

I now seize every moment with an endless grip of gratitude

My world shattered; thoughts scattered

Even numbness couldn’t dull the relentless ache

What is this unfamiliar ruthless agony?

Your sudden absence was a violent, unforgiving blow

A tragedy and a lesson wrapped in a red bow

A void so deep that your light was my only beacon through the storm

A hollow space remains where your heart once beat

With a fierce rhythm inside of mine

But love endures forever more

Hope is a remnant you left behind

Love and hope both a testament

To you

Saying goodbye felt like a cruel mockery

Not enough time

Everything happened so fast

Tears cascaded endlessly in a river of unrelenting pain

Shards of invisible glass gouged at my heart

The wounds felt infected and unforgiving

Consuming me from within

We were inseparable

Bound by a bond

You gave me life

Your womb, my portal into this world

My best memories now haunted by your absence

But together we rise

The path ahead unknown

What is known is that your spirit burns in me

And I will bloom even in the harshest drought

Of this, I have no doubt

Healing has been a battle

A war waged from within

Keloid scars from the fight with grief

But I came here to win

There is something to be gained

Your legacy is my battleground

Your presence remains

When my time comes

I will find my way back to you

To a realm where love is infinite

And every journey begins anew

You’ve reached the summit

Are you relishing the view?

Down here, even the dimmest lights burn brightly

Vivid lights feel shadowy

This sterile world is a toxic wasteland without you

Everything is twisted

A grotesque parody of what was

Nothing seems to hold its shape anymore

In your final hour, grace was a bitter irony

Peace did not envelop you at all

Although you could not speak, your silence roared louder than any words I’ve ever heard

Although you could not hold on, I felt every ounce of your powerful grip slipping away

I could not come to terms with what was taking place

And as you took your final breaths, I grappled with the void

I breathed life into my worst nightmare

Losing you

I hope I eased your suffering

Wishing I could’ve breathed life into your crystallizing lungs

I did all I could to selfishly keep you here

I felt life could not go on without you, my dear

Until your wishes rang louder in my head than the alarms on the machines

Your heartrate skyrocketing, sending the machines and me into a panic

Your saturation rate plummeting, sending the machines and me into a chaotic frenzy

Your temperature fluctuating, sending the machines and me into disorder

A transitional fucking mess

A mess, nonetheless, I was fortunate to witness

Nobody should die alone

You were ready to leave your tired body behind

Greeted by your ancestors

We felt their presence in the room

So you gave in

You shed your skin

Relieved your tired body

Feeling weightless once again

Stopping the fight for this life so you can move onto the next

And for years I wondered if there was more I could have done

As darkness draped my days even with the brightest sun

A nightmare with no end

A pesadilla* with no escape

A night terror without awakening

Flailing in fury, feeling weak

Shouting into a void, hearing only my own echo

Chasing shadows, and they chased me

I wept without tears continually

Then I learned to surrender

Like you showed me on that dreadful day

I fought for you

I felt emotionally bruised, bloody and battered

But I remained resilient

Until my heart was black and blue

Even when the doctors said there was nothing left to do

When most didn’t believe

When they said it was over

When hope was declared dead

When disbelief and despair closed in

We refused to go down without a fight

Until YOU affirmed the battle was over

On 12/21/21, winter solstice

My life splintered and yet today I feel held

My world shattered and yet I feel put back together

Everything collapsed and yet I stand here today

With battle scars nobody can see

I feel the sting every single day

But I am stitched by everything you left behind

Thank you for being my angel

I feel your presence as my guide

You are my eternal teacher

My best friend

Your lessons infuse my purpose

When I feel lost

I feel your unyielding presence

Feathered turkey

Chirpy grasshopper

“Random” feathers carefully placed along my path

You would call these DIOS-idencias*

You knew how to show up for me in life

Somehow stepping up your game in death

I still wish it weren’t you I missed with such intensity

I never imagined this final chapter would unfold so harshly

But there’s no return

No retreat from this reality

So, I choose not to dwell in the shadows of the past

I leap into the future with faith

Little by little your love drowned out the rage

In my head I still hear your voice saying “Mija, flip the page.”

I welcome love because I remember what it was like to feel whole

Complete

I refuse to allow grief to harden my heart into a fortress of stone

Concrete

I seek solace in the ocean’s salty embrace

Letting the Pacific ocean’s water blend with my tears

The sunrise beckons me to surrender to the waves

Feeling lost in the storms of my own making

Adrift in the tumult of emotion

My inner current strong

The turbulence runs deep

Because losing you brought me to my knees

Though I appeared strong, I was crumbing inside

Though I seemed joyful, I was fractured

Though life went on, I was dragging

Without you, I was nothing

But I am emerging anew

A renewed self

A Lucia you would be proud of, momma

Even in the wreckage

Because I am you, momma

You are “gone” but you blazed a fire

You are free from this misery

And a piece of you will forever live within me

I am eternally anchored by your rebranded love

I am never alone

Although I am not who I once was

This new me is pretty dope

As I find comfort in this renewed sense of hope

pesadilla* - Spanish for nightmare

DIOS-idencias* - the word for coincidence in Spanish is "coindencia" and the word for God is "Dios". My mother would use this term to describe a Godly coincidence